"Hmm," the woman said as she flipped through the papers. Kily watched her silently. The woman read through each of the pages periodically making marks on some of them. "So, it says here that you have no money," the woman commented. Kily shook her head yes. "Well, how have you been living?" the woman asked as she looked up at Kily. "I have been staying with some friends but I can’t stay there anymore," Kily told her nervously. The woman looked through the papers some more and asked Kily many questions. After a long time the woman finally put her pen down and stared at Kily. "Kily I’ve been doing this job for a long time. I think I have developed a good sense about the people who come through here and I have a sense about you." Kily had no idea what the woman meant and did not know what to say. "Where is the baby’s father?" the woman asked gently. Kily looked down, "he may be home by now," she said quietly. "Home? Don’t you know where he is?" she asked. Kily felt the tears sting her eyes, she had carefully planned to wait until Jacob was out of the house to take the bus into town and come to this place. She had hoped to be back home before he came home so he wouldn’t know what she was doing, so she had no idea of where he might be at the moment. "I just have to find a place for me and my baby to live," Kily finally said. "I just need a little help so I can make sure that Dillon is taken care of while I figure out what to do," she said with desperation. The woman stared at Kily for a short while. "Kily your paper work shows that you qualify for help from this agency and we will be able to give you some assistance but unless it is an emergency situation it can take possibly several weeks before you receive that assistance." Kily felt the tears spill over her eyelids as she thought about spending several more weeks with Jacob. The woman reached out her hand and touched Kily’s, "Kily are you in an abusive relationship?" Kily was surprised by her question, "How could she know that?" she thought. Kily was silent for a few seconds and finally decided that she should be honest with the woman. "Yes," she said and felt ashamed that she had let herself be so fooled by Jacob. "I just need to get away before something bad happens," Kily said tearfully. "Wait here," the woman told her and left the room. Kily sat for a long time waiting for the woman to come back. She had no idea that it would take so long when she came to this place. In her mind she had planned to wait for Jacob to go out wherever it was that he went, then catch the bus into town. She had thought she could come to this place ask her questions and catch the bus back to home before he would return. She knew that if he came home and found her gone he would be in a rage. It had already taken hours at this place and Kily was greatly fearful that Jacob had already returned home to find her gone. 

"Okay, Kily," the woman said when she finally returned to the small room. "I have put you down as an emergency situation. I have some food coupons here for you and I need you to sign here for an emergency check that I’m going to issue to you." Kily’s mouth dropped open and she could only stare at the woman in front of her. "What’s the matter?" the woman asked as she looked at Kily inquiringly. "Um, nothing," Kily stammered out, "Does this mean I can get the help?" The woman smiled kindly at Kily, "Yes, dear, it does. I am giving you a full month’s food coupons now and a full months check. These should help you to secure a place to live and help you to buy milk and baby food for this happy little guy here," she told Kily. The tears poured down Kily’s face as she stared at the woman. "There are no words that I can say to let you know how thankful I am to you," Kily told her in choking sobs. The woman smiled at Kily, "well I’m just doing my job really, but I do have to say that I am glad that I am here to help you. Now all you need to do is to sign your name here so I can issue this check to you," she laughed. Kily gave a small laugh too and signed her name. "Now, at the beginning of each month you will need to come down to this office to pick up the food coupons for that month. A check will be mailed to you each month after this for as long as you qualify," the woman explained. Kily listened intently to the instructions the woman gave her, thanked her over and over and the woman finally led her back to the front of the office.  

Kily hitched Dillon higher on her hip and adjusted the diaper bag that hung off her opposite shoulder. She wiped the tears from her cheeks as she walked down the street. She found a bank and went inside to cash her check and marveled at the sight of the money in her hand that would win her safety and freedom. She walked to the bus stop and patiently waited for the bus to come. She had not expected things to happen so fast and yet here she was with food coupons that would ensure her child would not go hungry and enough money in her pocket to rent a small place for them to live. Dillon fell asleep in her arms and Kily was relieved when the bus arrived. She chose a seat that would allow her to place the sleeping baby on the seat next to her and prayed all the way home that Jacob had not returned to the house. 

"Where have you been?" Jacob’s mother scolded her as she walked into the house. "Oh, I took the baby to the park and just got to visiting and the time just slipped by," Kily said as she tried to keep her tone light. "Well we have been very worried about you! You have been out with the poor baby all day!" Jacob’s mother admonished. Kily let the heavy diaper bag slip off her weary shoulder and fall onto a chair. "Let me see him," Jacob’s mother said a bit to harshly for Kily. "He’s sleeping right now," Kily told her. Jacob’s mother attempted to take Dillon from Kily’s arms. Kily gently twisted her body away, "Sh, I told you he’s sleeping right now," Kily said. "Well, I never!" Jacob’s mother said with irritation. "What kind of mother keeps her baby outdoors all day long, Kily! I swear sometimes I think Jacob might be right about you young lady!" Kily grit her teeth, "be careful what words you use!" she thought to herself. "He’s just fine," Kily told her, "look he’s just tired out from having so much fun. Why don’t you help me put him in his crib and when he wakes up I promise you can hold him, okay?" Jacob’s mother glared at her and made an irritated smacking sound with her lips. "He just had so much fun today, I thought I would let him rest for awhile," Kily said in as cheerful tone as she could muster. Jacob’s mother shook her head and walked away. "Oh! Has Jacob come home yet?" Kily asked in an innocent voice. "No, and you should count yourself lucky he hasn’t," his mother said from the kitchen, "He would be absolutely beside himself that you would do such a thing with that child Kily." Kily turned her back and went to her room. "Well at least that was good news," she said as she laid Dillon in his crib. Kily knew that Jacob’s mother was right, only Jacob would not be beside himself he would be furious and Kily knew that it would most likely be the thing that set his temper over the edge. She shuddered when she remembered the beatings he used to give her that lasted all night long. 

Kily spread the blanket on the grass then gently sat Dillon on it. She sat next to him and opened the diaper bag to retrieve his favorite toys. "There you go little man," she said happily. When Dillon had become occupied with his toys Kily took the folded "For Rent" section of the newspaper out of the bag and poured through the columns. Jacob had not returned home for two nights now and Kily relished the thought that she was free to search for a place to rent in his absence. Jacob’s mother was still angry at her for being away from the house so long two days before and Kily had taken to spreading a blanket on the lawn to sit outside with Dillon while she searched for a home she could afford to rent. She deliberately kept her back to the window of the house to avoid being seen going through the paper. Dillon crawled around happily and periodically scooted on his butt in a never ending reach for his toys. Kily ran her finger down each column carefully reading the description of houses, discarding the ones that had rent prices higher than she thought she could afford. Kily’s heart skipped a beat as her finger rested on a two bedroom duplex in Medford. She could not believe what she was seeing and had to read the ad twice to be sure. She picked Dillon up and held him over her head as she laughed. "I found a place!" She whispered to him, "and it’s one that we can afford!"  

Kily quickly stuffed the newspaper back in the diaper bag, picked up Dillon and slung the diaper bag over her shoulder. "Where are you going?" Jacob’s mother called from the front door. Kily turned and said as sweetly as she could, "I’m going to walk down to the store. Do you need me to pick anything up for you?" Jacob’s mother eyed her suspiciously, "No," she said, "Well don’t be gone long." "I won’t," Kily replied and walked away from the house. 

Kily entered the telephone booth picked up the receiver and put her dime in the slot. She dialed the number in the newspaper and asked if the duplex was still for rent. "Yes, yes it is," a woman’s voice said. "When may I come and see it?" Kily asked with eagerness. The woman told her she could meet her that afternoon at 2:00 p.m. Kily agreed and hung up. Kily immediately put another dime in the slot and dialed the number for the bus. "Yes!" she said to Dillon, "We have just enough time if we hurry."  

Kily walked back to Jacob’s parents house. She was trying think of a peaceful way to leave the house in time to catch the bus. She was just about to turn into the driveway when a car pulled up next to her. "Hi! Remember me," a young woman said. Kily stared at her for a moment and tried to place her. "I’m a friend of Jacob’s," she said cheerily, "I met you several weeks ago up at the corner market." Kily suddenly remembered meeting the girl when she had gone up to the corner store with Jacob to buy his favorite cereal. "Oh, yes, hi how are you," Kily said. "Pretty good," she said, "I was just looking for Jacob. A bunch of us are supposed to go to a party tonight and I told him I would give him a ride." Kily was surprised to hear that Jacob was going to a party and felt embarrassed that she knew nothing about what her husband was doing. "Oh, well he’s not home right now but I can give him the message when he does come home," Kily told her. "Okay," the girl said and smiled, "nice to see you again, see ya around." "Okay," Kily told her and waved as the girl drove off. Kily chewed on her lower lip as she continued up the drive way she still had no idea what she was going to say to be able to leave the house without a scene.  

"Who was that?" Jacob’s mother asked as Kily entered the house. "Oh, just a girl I met a couple of times down at the little store," Kily said absently. Jacob’s mother stared out the window, "well I think it’s good that you make a few friends," she told Kily. "What was it she wanted?" Without thinking or really knowing where it came from, Kily blurted out, "oh, she just wanted me to go down to her house and visit for a few hours." "Well that’s nice," Jacob’s mother said. "Yes, she doesn’t live to far from here so I thought Dillon and I would go for awhile and get a change of scenery," Kily continued. "Well I have chicken in the over for supper so you should try to back by then," she told Kily. Kily walked into the bedroom holding her breath. "Wow! Where in the heck did that come from!" she thought in amazement. "That was just way too easy, and what luck to have that girl pull up at just the right moment!" Kily whispered to Dillon. Kily put extra clothes and diapers for Dillon in her diaper bag and took two extra bottles from the refrigerator. She carefully put her wallet with the secret money and food coupons deep down the side pocket, wrapped Dillon’s favorite blanket around his waist and told Jacob’s mother she would be back later.  

Dillon stared out the window as the bus made its way into town. Kily watched his innocent face and the excited expressions he made at things that fascinated him as the bus moved along. "I just can’t believe that was so easy!" Kily said smiling at him. "Now if it could be just as easy to get this place I will believe I have a guardian angel," she said and kissed his cheek. The bus stopped at its usual spot downtown, Kily gathered up Dillon and the diaper bag and prepared for the long walk to the duplex. She periodically looked at the directions she had written down and kept walking. She knew that it must be getting close to 2:00 p.m. and worried that she would miss her appointment with the woman. She stopped and switched Dillon from one arm to the other and looked at her directions again. "Says here that the road will come to a "Y" and I should veer to the right. The duplex will be on the right with a minute market on the left." Dillon clapped his hands and wiggled hoping she would let him down. "Oh, no you don’t little guy!" Kily told him with a smile, "don’t you see how busy this street is? It’s all I can do to keep from getting run over! Just think what they would do to your little body," she told him with a laugh. Dillon squirmed some more and Kily assured him they must be almost there. Kily walked along the side of the road stumbling every now and then in the slanted dirt edge. "I never knew how nice a sidewalk could be," she thought. She came around a gentle turn and the little market came into view. "There it is," she said to Dillon and shifted him into her other arm once again. 

Kily knocked on the door and a woman opened it. "Hi, I’m Kily," she said, "are you the owner?" The woman smiled brightly, "Yes, please come in and see if this is what you had in mind." Kily stepped through the door and fell in love with it. The living room was large and a small kitchen sat to the left of the door. She walked through a door way to the right and found a short hallway. The bathroom was immediately in front of her with a bedroom to the left and one to the right. "I love it!" she told the woman. "There is a small laundry room off of the back of the living room and a doorway to the back yard," the woman told her. Kily followed her to the laundry room and stepped out into the back yard as the woman opened the door. "It even has a yard you can play in," she said to Dillon. Kily walked through the duplex once more and told the woman she would take it! "I brought the rental agreement with me in case you liked it," she told Kily. "Do you want to fill it out right now?" "Oh, yes, please," Kily said in excitement. "You know you have to pay the rent up front," the woman said hesitantly. "Yes, that’s fine," Kily told her. The woman laid the rental agreement on the kitchen counter and Kily put Dillon down next to her. She completed the form, paid the woman, picked up Dillon and hugged him as the woman handed her the keys. 

"My name and telephone number are on your copy of the rental agreement if you should find you need anything," the woman told Kily as they walked to the front door. "It looks just fine to me," Kily told her as they stepped outside. Kily balanced Dillon in one arm as she turned the key and locked her new home. "Where’s your car?" the woman asked as she looked around. "Oh, I don’t have a car," Kily explained. "I rode the bus into town and walked here." The woman looked at Kily in astonishment, "You walked here from the bus station?" "Yes," Kily told her. "That’s a very long way young lady," the woman said in amazement. "I know," Kily told her, "but I really wanted to see this place and I’m very glad I did." Dillon began to get fussy and Kily bounced him on her hip gently. "Please, let me give you a ride back to the bus station," the woman said to Kily, "It’s such a long walk and he has to be very heavy for you to carry such a long way." Kily considered this for a minute. "Please, I insist," the woman said as she opened her car door. Kily felt the weight of Dillon in her arms and finally agreed.  

Kily could barely contain her excitement as she rode the bus home. When the bus was almost to their stop Kily’s stomach churned as she wondered how she would complete the next step of her plan. She was still in awe of how things had gone so smoothly. "I just can’t believe that I have my own place!" she kept mumbling under her breath. It had been less than a week since Jacob had grabbed Dillon from her and she had experienced one miracle after another. "First, I got help with money and food and now I have just rented my own place!" she said with amazement. "Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to get our things and get out of here," she whispered to Dillon. 

Kily stepped through the door and Jacob’s mother came to take Dillon from her. She set the diaper bag down and allowed Dillon to be taken into Jacob’s mother’s arms. Her arms ached from carrying him and she was glad for the temporary relief. "How was your visit?" Jacob’s mother asked. "Oh, it was great!" Kily lied. "Dinner is almost cold you should make yourself a plate, I’ll feed the baby. Poor thing I bet he’s starving." she said as she walked into the kitchen with him. "Don’t say anything, keep your temper," Kily told herself. "Words will only ruin everything and I need time to think," she reminded herself. The last thing she wanted was for Jacob’s mother to tell Jacob how bad of a mother she was when he returned home. 

After dinner Kily made an excuse that she was tired and quietly went to her room. She had already bathed Dillon and gotten him ready for bed. He lay peacefully in her arms as he nursed his bottle and Kily watched his eyes slowly close. She lay him down in his crib and gratefully lay on the bed. She felt fairly sure that Jacob would not be home this night since he was going to a party with friends. She needed to think about how she would get her things out of the house before he could return home or before his mother might locate him to tell him what Kily was doing. She thought about the things she had in the room that belonged to her. There were stacks of boxes that contained dishes, pots, pans, silverware, bedding, and clothing that she had left packed when she arrived at this house four months before. Back then she had believed that her stay here would be short. She had believed that Jacob would come home, find a job, and they would soon get their own place. She had also believed foolishly that he had changed and the things he wrote in all of his letters were how their life would be. Kily blinked back tears as she thought about how foolish she had been and how much time she had wasted. The worst thought for Kily was how she had managed to put her sweet little baby in such harms way. Kily sat up on her bed and stared at the boxes still neatly stacked against the wall. "Well, at least I don’t have to pack them up," she thought to herself. "But how do I get our things out of here?" Kily thought for long hours. "I could just leave everything, I suppose." She looked around the room trying to determine if there were anything that she must absolutely have. She looked at Dillon sleeping peacefully in his crib. "Well, I have to have his crib," she told herself. "Otherwise what will he sleep in?" Kily mentally put together all the things Dillon would need, his crib, his clothes, his blankets, diapers, favorite toys. There were too many things for her to carry and put on the bus and still be able to carry Dillon as well. "Besides," she thought, "how would I possibly get his crib on the bus!" Kily thought for hours. "No, there has to be a way to do this. If I need to have a way to take all of Dillon’s things then I may as well take it all. That way I will have at least the things I need for our new place." In the early morning hours, Kily stared out the dark window and decided that she should try calling mother. Mother at least had a car and even though Kily knew she would hear mother tell her that she knew Kily had made a mistake when she had left her house to come and be with Jacob, hearing those words was much better than staying here where Dillon might be hurt. With an exhausted sigh Kily lay her head on the pillow and settled on her plan to call mother first thing in the morning.  

A loud knocking on the front door woke Kily up. She could hear Jacob’s father sleepily say, "Hold on, I’m coming," as he made his way through the dark house. The loud knocking continued and Kily got up to see what it was all about. She checked Dillon to make sure he was still asleep then stepped out the bedroom door. 

"We have your son in custody," she heard the policeman say. "What?" Jacob’s father said. Kily heard Jacob’s mother gasp behind her. "What for?" Jacob’s mother demanded. "Suspicion of theft," the officer told her. Jacob’s mother gasped again, "He hasn’t stolen anything," she yelled at the officer. "Well Mam, we think he has, four GTO’s to be exact," he said flatly. "What’s a GTO?" she yelled back. "It’s a car Mam, you know, one you drive," he told her with irritation. Kily stood silent. She was just as surprised as Jacob’s parents to be hearing what the officer was saying but she knew in her heart that it was probably true. "Are you his wife?" she heard the officer ask her. "Yes," she said. "Well we will have some questions for you in the next couple of days as well. Here’s my card I would like you to give me a call, let’s say," the officer seemed to be considering something then went on to say, "by Friday, alright?" Kily took the card he held out to her and nodded her head. "I want to know where my son is!" Jacob’s mother demanded. "Mam I told you, he is currently in custody you can call the jail in the morning and find out when visiting hours are," the officer told her. "I have a question please," Kily said quietly. The officer turned toward her, "Yes." "How long will he be in there?" she asked. The officer seemed to consider her question then said, "well most likely he will be there at least a month while he moves through the system, there will be an arraignment and other things, he will be assigned an attorney and ultimately he will go to trial, that could take awhile too. Of course after his arraignment the judge will set bail and if he makes bail then he could be out in as little as a day or two I suppose." "A day or two," Kily thought to herself, "that’s enough time for me to leave this place." Jacob’s mother’s demanding voice brought Kily back to the conversation and she heard her ask how much Jacob’s bail would be. The officer explained that the amount of his bail would be set by the judge and he had no way of knowing that until after Jacob had his arraignment. The officer left and Kily listened to Jacob’s mother giving orders to her husband. "We need to find a way to raise money to get him out," she said. Jacob’s father ran his hand through his tousled hair, "I just don’t know where we can get any money, dear, let alone the kind of money it takes to bail someone out of jail," he told her. Jacob’s mother looked to Kily, you must know someone with money they will loan you," she said. "No, I don’t know anyone with that kind of money," Kily told her. 

Kily listened as Jacob’s parents talked the rest of the night about how they might be able to come up with his bail money. The sun came up and Jacob’s mother informed them that they needed to get dressed so they go to the court house to see Jacob. Kily tried to make excuses by saying that Dillon was not yet awake or how the court house might not be a good place to take the baby, but Jacob’s mother scolded her telling her she could keep that baby outdoors for hours without taking care of him but she would not take the baby down to see his own father at a time when he needed Kily the most. When Kily could think of no other excuses she finally went to her room to get herself and Dillon ready for the ride into town. 

Kily sat on a wooden bench holding Dillon. Jacob’s mother stood at the heavy metal door waiting for someone to come and speak with her and his father sat on the opposite end of the bench from Kily. A loud buzzer sounded and the heavy metal door clanged open. A uniformed officer stepped out and said hello. "I want to see my son," Jacob’s mother demanded. The officer chuckled and told her that first he needed to have her son’s name. She provided him with the information and the officer spoke into a speaker mounted on the wall. A few minutes later a voice told him that they would have Jacob brought down to the visiting room and the officer escorted them into a room with round seats bolted to the floor. Each seat faced a cubicle that housed a black telephone mounted to the side of the cubicle, a short counter to lay a purse or other items on and a clear glass partition in which you could see the person on the other side. They waited for quite some time and the sound of the buzzer shattered the silence of the sterile room. Another metal door clanged open and Jacob walked into the room on the other side of the glass. He walked over to the black telephone receiver on his side of the glass and picked it up. "Don’t worry son, we will find a way to get you out on bail," his mother told him. Jacob spent several minutes telling his mother that he was innocent and had been framed. His mother told him not to worry that she was sure that between them and Kily they would be able to find the money to get him out right away. Jacob declared his innocence even more and thanked his mother over and over again. His mother handed the receiver to his father and Kily watched as he told his father the same thing. Jacob’s father finally handed Kily the receiver and his mother took Dillon from her arms while she talked to Jacob. "I’m so sorry Kily," he told her. "I know I wasn’t good to you or Dillon and I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Just get me out of here and you’ll see," he told her. Kily listened while he said the same things to her that he had said before, "I’m a new man Kily, you gotta believe me, I’m innocent, I didn’t do the things they say I did! Tomorrow I’ll have my arraignment and they will give me a lawyer, will you talk to him for me, Kily." Kily listened as Jacob went on and on and she felt sick inside. An officer stepped into the room on Jacob’s side of the glass and told him his time was up. "You’ll wait for me, won’t you? I love you Kily and I’ll make up for all the times we fought," he told her as the officer took the receiver from his hand. Kily watched as Jacob was led out of the room and the door closed behind him.  

"You can call your mother, can’t you? She will help with some money towards Jacob’s bail, won’t she?" Jacob’s mother was saying. "He’s your husband you need to help find a way to get him out Kily," her voice went on as they waited on the sidewalk outside the jail for Jacob’s father to bring the car around. Jacob’s father pulled the old car up to the curb and the two women got in. Kily only half listened to the conversation on the drive home, she was struggling in herself about the guilt Jacob had placed on her. She wanted desperately to be away from the situation and was angry that just when she was about to gain her freedom from him he now begged her to be in his life. The words he had said to her just short of a week before rang in her ears. He had thought she was worthless then, had told her she was a terrible mother and a terrible wife. He had frightened Dillon and Kily had lived in fear of him once again. His words had hurt her deeply and made her doubt herself and her own value as a human being. Now, his words were full of fear for his own future and they now turned kind and loving. Words were a terrible thing Kily thought to herself. Some other time in some other world she would have loved to hear the words he said today. She would have longed to believe those words and felt happiness from them instead of guilt for wanting to leave. Kily squinted her eyes in an effort to make his voice leave her head. The car pulled into the driveway and Kily followed Jacob’s parents into the house. His mother was still trying to think of people that could be called to get money from. Instead of putting the diaper bag and Dillon down, Kily hitched them both higher and turned back toward the door. "Where are you going?" Jacob’s mother demanded. "I’m going down to the phone booth," Kily said simply, then turned the door handle and stepped out. 

Kily called mother and explained the situation. Mother agreed to come and help Kily move her things from the house. "I can call my friend with the pick up again I think," she told Kily. "Call me back in a few minutes so I can tell you if they can come and what time we can be there." Kily hung up the phone and paced outside the phone booth. "This is not going to be pleasant," she told herself. She knew that when she told Jacob’s parents that she was going to move they would be very angry. She also knew there would be many words that would be said that would make her feel very guilty for leaving at such a time as this. Kily resolved not to listen to the words she knew would come. "Those words will keep hurting me over and over if I listen to them," she told herself. With a heavy sigh Kily picked up the receiver and dialed mother’s number again. Mother told her they could be there in two hours. Kily thanked her and hung up the phone. Two hours was a long time to wait. She did not want to go back to the house. She knew Jacob’s mother would assume she had gone to make calls to see if she could get money for Jacob’s bail and she just simply did not want to lie anymore. Kily cradled Dillon against her chest and walked down to the bridge to watch the river flow by.  

Kily watched the flowing river move in swirls as it passed the bridge. "I am so tired of living with secrets and being forced into positions where I must tell a lie," she thought. "I want to live my life the way other people do. I want to be happy and not have to worry about what I say." she thought to herself. She looked down at Dillon, "I will make it happen, Dillon. You will not have to live your life full of secrets, you will not have to wonder who you are. I will not make you feel guilty for being who you are, I will make a happy life for you, somehow, I promise." she told him as he stared up at her with innocent eyes. 

Kily’s gaze returned to the river. From high up on the bridge the water seemed to be rushing by. The surface of the water swayed and flowed in its forward movement to reach its goal. "Life is like this moving river," she thought. "The surface looked so smooth with graceful movements that made subtle changes to the surface. But underneath deep where no one could see, waters churned with rock and debris creating life threatening undertows that threatened to suck anyone trapped in its power into icey depths that would strangle life giving breath from the body. Anyone watching from the peaceful surface would never guess the danger and turmoil that existed just below the surface. 

Kily watched the water and finally moved on. She slowly made her way back to the street where she would soon find herself in yet one more battle. The big round clock above the carport of the gas station told her that mother and her friend should arrive within the next 20 minutes or so. Kily took one last look around and with a heavy heart she guided her steps back to Jacob’s parents home.